i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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