dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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