the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
