he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
