Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
