I must be too annoying 4 u.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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