false alarm. still invincible.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
