please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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