I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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