Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
