if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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