Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
