in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Even my vagina gasped.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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