I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
