I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
