i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
