Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Drunk is a universal language darling
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