I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
