I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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