How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
