Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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