Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
