So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
