he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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