the condom got lost in my hair
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
