he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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