My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
