i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
