Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
