He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
