grandma shit on top of the toilet
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
