is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
