and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
