Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
