A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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