the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
