he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
