Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
