Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I hate all girls vehemently.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
