Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
