I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
