my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
