Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
