WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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