Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
