She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
