What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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