she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
