I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
