I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
