Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
