so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
