you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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